Yes or No?

Do you ever agree to do something and then wish you hadn't? Or feel that other people are taking advantage of your kind nature? Do you run out of time because you've committed to too many things? Or do you resist asking for help and take on too much?

Maybe you're saying Yes, when you really mean No? Or saying No Thanks when you really mean Yes Please?

If so, then it could be worth reviewing your personal boundaries.

Personal Boundaries
One of the most important lessons I've learned in life is to establish healthy personal boundaries. Just as we are able to recognise different countries in an atlas by their borders, our physical, emotional and mental boundaries define who we are, and who we are not. They determine what we are willing to do and what we are not willing to do. They help us clarify our sense of self, take control of our lives and create healthy relationships.

Unfortunately, many of us have under developed boundaries and can too often find ourselves putting other peoples' needs above our own, taking too much responsibility for others, afraid to express our own needs and wants or withdrawing and shutting people out. And when we allow this to continue we can end up feeling exhausted or resentful.

Developing Healthy Boundaries
There are times when we need to know where to 'draw the line'. When we are clear about what's good for us we can more comfortably say 'Yes' to choices that fit and 'No' to those that don't. And with practice, courage and respect we can improve our boundaries and live more fully and more authentically.

In the best selling book Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend you can learn more about what boundaries are, how they impact your life and what you can do to develop healthier boundaries. (contains a few biblical analogies but don't let that put you off)

In the meantime, here are a few ideas worth exploring. Start by making one or two small changes, notice the results and build on your success.

1 Sense of Self – begin to get a clearer idea of who you are and what’s ok for you

2 Values – clarify what matters most to you, make choices and decisions that fit with your values

3 Reframe – reframe the meaning of ‘selfish’ to ‘self respect’

4 Emotions – listen to your body and your emotions. Feelings of discomfort may indicate that someone
has ‘crossed the line’ and intruded on your boundaries

5 Language – notice your language and inner dialogue. Practice removing ‘shoulds’, ‘musts’ and ‘have to’s’

6 Practice
> setting limits with others
> expressing your needs and wants
> saying Yes and No appropriately and assertively
> taking less responsibility for others and more responsibility for yourself
> not absorbing other people's negative emotions
> accepting help from others
> pleasing yourself without feeling guilty

7 Treat yourself, and others, the way you would like to be treated

And remember “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” Buddha